Chapter 2
I awakened in stages. Aware of a soft bed. Which was nice. Hospital beds were NOT pleasant. And then, the sweet scent of a woman. And the warmth of a naked body laying pressed against me. FEAR. MORTAL TERROR. Looking to my left, Reginax was curled tightly against me, her ridiculous, naked curves molded against the side of my body. Boobs. HUGE boobs. Up. Get up quietly. No no not THAT way. UGH. What was I? A teenager again with morning wood??? Damnit!! Silent. Stealthy. Get up and away before she wakes up and roasts you alive.
“g’mornin…”
Shit. Dead.
“Morning!” I squeaked, hopping away from the bed, one leg in chain mail pants, the other flopping about noisily.
“I take back all the derogatory things I may have said about your equipment.” The female dragon yawned and sat up, rubbing her eyes. Oh.. my…GOD those breasts…
“Ah.. hah hah… Reginax, you do realize this is John you’re talking to… Glenn isn’t here at the moment…’ I managed to get the other leg into my pants and had the crude handle of the door beneath my palm, making ready to run like HELL.
“Of course.” The towering woman rose and stretched, 7 feet of naked, rippling, muscly T and A… “Glenn said he needed to rest. Apparently possessing your body for 12 hours and marathon sex was a bit much for him.”
I stopped and debated turning around and glaring at her. No wonder I was sore everywhere. In real life, I hadn’t been with a woman in… wow. Instant depression… nevermind… I opted not to, as I wasn’t such I could long stand looking at her incredible figure without my mind snapping from repressed sexual desire.
Instead, I remained facing away from the dragon/woman, and continued dressing.
“Where are we, anyway?” I asked, changing the subject abruptly.
“Still in the village. Found a room that was still relatively solid, applied a bit of magic, and voila; a suitable space for sleeping.” I heard her getting dressed behind me.
“Okay. I’m going to go collect Glenns’ gear and remains from that tomb.”
That seemed to focus her attention a bit.
“Why?”
“He said he can’t leave the village. I’m betting it’s because his remains are interred here. If we take them with us, he SHOULD be able to come along as well. You think?” I turned to look at the half dressed Reginax, and quickly averted by eyes.
“You…you would bring him? You would allow this to continue?” I couldn’t get out of the way in time, to avoid her embrace. I was buried in boobs. Suddenly my lower portion was distinctly uncomfortable, being restricted by chain mail underpants. Damnit.
“Mphlble!! Stttppp!!! Rgnx!!!” I quickly extricated myself and turned away, shaking badly.
“What?!?!” she wailed, coming up behind me and wrapping her arms around me again.
“Please..stop that. Step back.” I managed to say.
She did as asked.
“Your state of undress is causing me some serious control issues with certain parts of my body. Not to mention my libido. Please put some clothes on.”
Instead, I heard her clothes deliberately hit the floor. And I felt her naked body press up against me again from behind. This time the arms wrapped around me gently.
“It is not a problem. How long has it been for you?” she asked quietly.
I was silent. “I don’t even remember. I don’t want to. It hurts to think about it.”
Reginax sympathetically tightened her embrace.
“You have given me back the one true love of my life. I can deny you nothing. Glenn and I…we discussed this. He said it was alright, if I felt you were worthy.”
“No.” I said, trying not to sound harsh. I gently extricated myself from her embrace, still avoiding turning to face her. “I can’t. I appreciate the offer, more than you might imagine. But, I can’t. Not with someone who loves someone else. It’s not my way. Not the way I was raised. I am not a mindless thing, controlled by my hormones. I control ME. Not my testicles. Know that it’s nothing about you, Reginax. You are incredibly beautiful. But you do love Glenn. I would not intrude on that for the world. Not even if it was only the act itself.” I grasped the doorhandle and quickly stepped out. Promptly falling ten feet to the ground below, collapsing in a pile at the bottom of a set of desiccated stairs.
“DAMNIT WOMAN!!!”
I gently removed the seal on the tomb, having chipped the ancient mortar away, around the long sealed door. The door was marble, and heavier that hell. But, I grunted and huffed it out of the way. It was dark inside, and I waited a few seconds for my eyes to adjust, before stepping in. Sure enough, stairs, going down into the darkness. Another tumble would have severely pissed me off.
As I descended, the walls on either side of me, began emitting a soft, magical glow. THAT was convenient. And very fancy for a village of this size. Glenn must have been a mega-big shot during his life. I can’t imagine that anything but a legendary hero would have rated this kind of glam. Expensive. Had to be. Nothing else in the town came CLOSE to this level of magic. It was all still as the day it was constructed. Unlike the rest of the town, which was mostly crumbled to ruin.
After several minutes, I was at the base of the stairs. The actual tomb itself was roomy, with stone bench seating, in a church style. High ceilings. Scenes painted majestically on the ceiling. Tapestries hung on the walls. Stone coffin in the center, with relief figure carved into the lid.
“Yawn. You are up early, Sir.” Glenn faded into view, seated on the bench nearest his mortal forms resting place.
“Yeah. Woke up being smothered to death by boobs. Thanks for that.” I grumbled, starting to chisel away the mortar sealing his sarcophagus.
His face broke into a wide, happy smile.
“Absolutely MAGNIFICENT, isn’t she?
“Yeah. Sure is.” I kept my answers short. I didn’t really want to have this discussion anyway.
“You seem a bit out of sorts, Sir. Did it not go well with my love?” Glenn was truly concerned. I was a good enough judge of character to see it in his face.
I sighed. “It went fine, Glenn. No worries.”
“I take it you…do NOT want to discuss anything, then? Brag a little maybe?”
“No, Glenn. But thank you for asking.” I was almost half way around the perimeter of the lid, working industriously with the dragon scale knife Reginax had provided me.
‘Ah. I see. Didn’t go well? Perhaps your gentleman was already worn out from prior usage in the evening?”
I stopped.
“I didn’t fuck your woman, Glenn. Yeah, she’s heartbreakingly gorgeous, and everything I would have desired in a female. But she loves you without question. And even with your and her consent, I do not EVER intrude on true love. I wouldn’t want it done to me, so I do it to no one else. The offer is MOST gratefully appreciated. But, no.” so saying, I went back to my task. There was silence for a bit.
“You are a good man. One of a type, I haven’t met since a long time in my past.”
I shrugged as I finished chiseling out the mortar.
“It’s how I was raised. Yeah, I have urges, just like any other man. But, I am the master of me. Not my balls.”
“I’m guessing you DID not have a lot of ‘Luck’ ” in your prior existence…”
“No Sir. I did not. Women pretty much had no use for me whatsoever.” I grunted as I threw my weight into moved the sarcophagus lid. There was the sound of stone, grinding against stone, as the lid slowly moved under the force I exerted against it.
“I am heartily sorry to hear, Sir.”
I nodded and reached into the tomb, hauling out his armor and bones. Carefully, I placed them into my storage container, which magically presented itself in response to my silent call. It was a bit tough to breath at the moment. I put it down to dust, and not my own sadness and frustration at being alone my whole life and even after death, finding the woman I had longed for all my life, in love with another man.
“It’s all good. At this point, no idea what to do with them anyway. Too old to make babies. I mean, to raise them and all. At least I can contribute and help other towards some happiness. I have an idea how to get you a permanent body again. Interested in hearing?”
The spirit perked up considerably at that.
“My attention is all yours, Sir.”
I spent the next hour, cleaning out Glenn’s sarcophagus, and explaining to him my ideas on creative resurrection.
The sun was high in the sky, before I ascended the stairs from the tomb. Glenn floated up beside me and stood on the ground, squinting.
“Reginax!” I bellowed, hooking Glenn’s “Hero” sword to my waist, and adjusting the few other items I had brought externally from the tomb.
“No need to raise your voice. My hearing is significantly better than your own, I would warrant.” She called, stepping from the nearby ruins, calmly dragging a full sized wagon as if it were nothing.
We watched in stunned amazement, as the dragon/woman easily wheeled the rolling contraption up to us.
“What?”
“Nevermind.” I shook my head.
“Is Glenn here?” she asked, looking around.
“Yes, my Love!” the spirit replied, moving next to her.
“…yeah. He’s here.” I rolled my eyes.
“I have procured a spell to enable him to be visible to us.”
“uh, I can already see him…”
“You are the only one. This will enable ALL to see him.”
‘Oh! Okay. Gotcha.”
I started loading things into my cart, as the dragoness futzed with some tools and a book, mumbling to herself the whole time.
“Aum, aum, aum. Mananem Verbum Fohat. Kali Yug!”
I recognized those words. I shook my head in disgust. If that actually worked…
“Glenn!!!”
“Reginax!”
Somewhere, old Walt Disney was rolling around in his grave.
“…ya might as well have said ‘Klaatu barada nikto…’”
Glenn looked to me in shock.
“you know Lord Gort??”
My shoulders drooped.
“What kind of screwed up fantasy world have I ended up in?? I suppose Gargamel exists here too???”
“Of course! He summoned ME, a thousand years ago!” Glenn said proudly.
“Smurf it all.”
“So, we’re all straight on this; we go see Gargamel (I can’t believe I’m saying this), in hopes that he possess the knowledge on how to make a golem body for Glenn to inhabit. Glenn, you know where he is and how to get there?”
I rode on the driver’s seat of the wagon, as Reginax effortlessly trundled us along at a surprising rate of speed. It was easier than trying to keep up with her on foot, once my and Glenn’s plan had been explained.
“I knew where he WAS…he vanished some time before my unfortunate passing… And, I’d expect the countryside has changed significantly in a millennium.”
“True enough. Although technology here has seemed to pretty much stand still.” I muttered in response.
“I haven’t really been into many human settlements since Glenn passed. But, as far as I do know, not that many names have changed.” The dragoness offered, jogging along in her black armor.
“This is all predicated on a wizard still being alive and in the same place after 10 centuries.” I shook my head. Better this, than no direction at all, I expected.
“He was ancient when he summoned me, and showed no signs of slowing down when I was alive.” Glenn offered, sitting beside me on the seat.
“I searched for him for many years, after your passing. Hoped that he might know a way to bring you back. But, he was gone. Not at his keep. Nowhere that I could smell or otherwise sense.” Reginax said quietly.
“maybe he wasn’t so much a ‘where’ as perhaps a ‘when.”
“Eh?” the ghost asked, looking puzzled.
“You can’t avoid a dragon’s nose, right? I mean, all sorts of supernatural ability there. Even his corpse would have been detected by her nose, if he was anywhere in the world. Right? I mean, she still would have had to track him, but, she COULD have tracked him. IF he were anywhere. Right?”
“Well, yes.” she replied.
“Which means, he was nowhere. Off the planet would have still registered as ‘not on this planet.’ The only way to make that happen, was if he was dimensionally displaced OR, chronologically. Just for shits and giggles Reginax, can you scent Gargarmel now?” I asked.
The wagon stopped and the dragoness closed her eyes, inhaling deeply. Then opening them in shock.
“Yes! I scent him! But, I have not, all of these years! I mean, I tried actively to find him! Even after giving up on raising Glenn. But he was nowhere. But now, he is here!!”
I leaned back on the seat with a smile.
“Lady and gentleman, I submit to you, we are being lead through this maze on a short leash.”
Glenn nodded thoughtfully.
“Indeed the machinations of a wizard are inscrutable indeed.”
“As long as we can get Glenn a body from this geezer, I don’t care what he leads me through.” Reginax grunted, starting up the wagon again at an even faster pace.
I grimaced. “To an extent, I agree. But, I don’t like being played with. Glenn, what exactly DID you die of?”
“Poison. It was rather agonizing, to be quite honest. It took days.”
“Sorry to bring it up.”
“All in the past, my friend. I am here now, with my love. Past pains are meaningless to me now.” He grinned.
I nodded and smiled back.
“Where are we headed, then?”
“It seems,” the dragoness replied, ‘to his old keep. That is the direction I am getting, anyway.”
“Far?”
“Not really. A few hours. Take a nap. We’ll be there by the time you wake up.”
“Good idea. Glenn…”
“Yes Sir?”
“No fornicating out in the open. Seriously. I don’t want to wake up naked in the middle of a field. If you’re gonna stop to do that, set up the damned tent.” I stated flatly.
The sheepish look I got in response told me that if I hadn’t said something, I probably would have awakened naked in a field. Again. Not even a hospital gown on. Frikkin horny bastard.
I woke up several hours later, in a tent. Naked, of course. Reginax wrapped around me, sleeping softly. Wincing, I disentangled myself again, from the dragoness and rose. I stuck my head outside the tent. Nighttime. Behind me, the woman stirred.
“Relax. I warded the area. No one can sense our presence, let along invade the space. Come back to bed and rest. ” She murmured.
I twitched. She obviously knew it was me, and not her love. Hesitantly, I returned to the furs and blankets and crawled in, purposely keeping myself well away from her incredible curves.
“Prude.” She chuckled, reaching out and dragging me relentlessly into her embrace.
Oi. Middle of the night wood, now.
I lay still in her arms, struggling to will myself back to sleep. Or begging Glenn to reassert control, so that I wouldn’t break my own vows. She did NOT make it easy. Silently, I screamed in my mind –
*GLENN! GODDAMNIT. GET BACK HERE RIGHT NOW!!!*
And just like that, my consciousness shut off.
When next I awoke, I was fully dressed, and sitting on the wagon, which was stationary, in front of what looked like a barrow mound. Or a small mountain. Not sure which to say, really…
“Ah! Welcome back sleeping beauty.” The dragoness laughed. Boy, getting laid regularly really put this one in a good mood.
“Yeah.” My voice was gravelly. I rooted around behind me in the bed of the wagon for the waterskin we had, and treated myself to a drink. A warm, funky tasting drink. Didn’t know that water from a waterskin ended up tasting like whatever animal donated its hide for it. Nasty. Maybe I could invent the steel canteen…
“Is this it? Are we here?’ I asked, climbing down from my perch.
Glenn appeared and nodded.
“This is the place. Looks exactly the same as it did.”
Reginax sniffed the air.
“He is here.”
“Oi! Gargamel! It’s Glenn Edirol! Let us in!”
For a few moments, nothing. Then, movement. The side of the mound itself began to flow like mud, and rearrange itself into an opening. A barrow.
I shrugged.
“Guess he heard you.”
“Excellent. I would have hated to have to rip my way in to get at him.” The she dragon growled, stalking forward.
Typical woman. Happy one second, ready to maim and mutilate the next,
I followed behind and Glenn walked along in front of us. Probably it was best if he went first.
“Come in! Come in Glenn!” A cackling old voice….shit. He SOUNDED like the cartoon Gargamel. Keeping a straight face was going to be tough…
The tunnel opened out into a large-ish chamber, filled to bursting with alchemical gear and other sorted nonsense, most of which I have no clue about. Scurrying here and there was an elderly man, in a brown cloak. He was going bald on top, in a perfect circle. Shit. He LOOKED like Gargamel. This was just WRONG.
Short and frail looking, the wizard tottered up to us and went to hug the ghost. Reginax caught him as he fell through Glenn’s ghostly figure.
“AH! I assume this is what you’ve come to see me about? Thank you my dear.” He chuckled, pulling away from her grasp and turning to face the hero he summoned a thousand year before.
“I died, Gargs. A thousand years ago. I need your help.”
“WHAT?!? Nonsense. I JUST saw you a few weeks ago!! Although…there is something strange about the environment outside, right now. I WAS on a desert. It seems I am surrounded by trees, now…”
“It is true, Mr…. Gargamel. I was summoned as well, just a few short days ago. The village where Glenn was entombed is falling down with age. Only the tomb itself has survived the time.”
The elderly man stood silent for a moment, frowning. Then he patted Reginax’s hand on his shoulder. She let him go and he moved deeper into the chamber, motioning us to follow.
“It hasn’t been a thousand years for me. Unless…I’ve been displaced in time without my knowledge or consent.”
He stopped in front of a large, very shallow bowl, balanced on a tall pedestal. Muttering to himself, he passed his hand many times over it. The liquid laying therein seemed to shimmer and change color. He squinted at it, seeming to examine it on a minute level.
“Fruck. You’re right. It’s a thousand years.” He spun around in a rage. “BUT WHO. Who would do this to ME??” Gargamel raged.
“Hrm. It would seem he’s not the one pulling the strings, then.” I muttered to myself, as the ancient little man slammed things around on his workbench.
“More questions to be answered. Patience. We dragons specialize in long term patience. Or we wouldn’t live that long. Lol.” Reginax crossed her arms and chuckled.
“Bah!” Gargamel shouted, his voice shaking. “I should have been paying more attention to my surroundings. Someone had it in for me, and THIS is the result. Now, I can’t even go BACK!!”
“No. I have not sensed you in a thousand years. I have tried MANY times. I mean, not every day…” the dragoness shrugged.
I looked around til my every lit on a chair that looked sturdy enough to hold me. Walking over, I plopped into it.
“Something is coming.” They all turned to look at me.
“There is a reason we’ve all been herded here. I was granted life after death. Reginax was placed into a mysterious trap that I got her out of. We went to a crumbling village, only to find the thousand year old spirit of her true love still waiting for her there. AND, we find you, Short and balding, missing for a millennium. Too much coincidence. WAY too much.”
“Balding?!?” the wizard sputtered, putting his hand to his head. “BUGGERERS!!!” he shrieked, slapping his other hand up there and feeling the massive hairless area.
Glenn snorted and turned away.
“He was always that bald, correct?” Reginax whispered, too loudly. The ghost nodded in affirmation, trying not to laugh out loud.
“I don’t want to know why you didn’t know that…” I sighed. Shaking my head.
“I’m a conjurer! A master of the mystic arts! Why am I supposed to have to pay attention to such mundane things!! “
“Because if you don’t, you end up looking like a cartoon character who consistently fails at capturing and eating smurfs.”
Everyone looked at me rather puzzled.
“Oh good. At least those annoying, little blue bastards don’t exist here.”
“Letsseeeeeeee…golem. Golem. Golem. AH! Here it is. Yes. Several different grades. We will need to modify a bit for this, I think. Hrm.” Gargamel was pouring through a ridiculously large book, high atop a desk, which resided several feet above our heads. Kinda like a bad play on Disneys Mickey sequence in the Magician’s Apprentice cartoon.
“What ingredients do we need, Baldy?” I yawned. The wizard glared at me and rubbed his naked head.
“Stop bringing that up. I am a sensitive soul, you know.”
“Magician, cure thyself.”
“I don’t think that’s the proper quote…” Glenn muttered.
“I paraphrased.”
“Bones. Blood. Not too particular about what kind. Although the stronger the critter we use, the stronger he’ll be…” the diminutive wizard attempted to ignore us, and continue with his work.
“Mine.” Reginax rumbled, from her comfy couch, where the ghost of her dead lover lounged against her massive frame. “I doubt you find blood more powerful than mine.”
“We do already have his original bones.” I added.
“That will work. And dirt. Hrm. This might be interesting. It says here average everyday earth will work just fine. Let’s try and up the quality of that. What about dirt from the Valley of the Demon?”
“Oi now, come on Gargs!! I don’t want to get anyone killed!” Glenn spoke up.
“Not a problem. We can handle that.” The dragoness shushed her lover with a smile.
“Just a thought. Dirt from that realm, mixed with YOUR blood would make a powerful golem indeed.” Gargamel explained.
“What about infusing his bones with adamantide?” everyone looked at me strangely.
“You are familiar with alchemy?”
“Not specifically.” I shrugged. “I have an interest in a wide variety of subjects. MOST of which were utter hogwash in the world I came from. Just thought it might be interesting. Yes? No?”
“Well, if we could GET some adamantite, it would be most excellent. But again, that element is not particularly easy to acquire…” the little wizard mused.
“Reginax, you can sniff some out, right?”
The Queen of the Black Dragon flight glared at me.
“I am not a super-bloodhound you know.” Then her face broke out into a beautiful smile. ‘But yes. I can indeed. Annoyed I didn’t think of it first. Thought, I think it will be another battle to acquire, once we arrive at where there is some.”
Glenn looked unhappy. “I don’t really want to get people hurt or killed in the process.”
“It’s all good. It won’t be US getting hurt or killed.” I smiled and looked over at the dragon Queen. She issued a toothy smile of her own and nodded in agreement.
“Oh! That reminds me, this sword belongs to Glenn. I want to return it to him, as soon as he’s able to pick it up. Would you happen to have something around here I can use?”
“HAH! Fancy you asking that. Collecting legendary swords is a major hobby of mine!” Gagramel leapt spryly down from his perch and scurried off into the darkness he was back moments later, pushing a rather large… gun safe? On wheels. He fiddled with a lock and proudly swung the doors open to revel a room within the safe, that was apparently as large as the area we were standing in.”
“Ah. Bigger on the inside.”
“Pocket dimension. Borrowed the idea from a Doctor friend of mine.”
“Say no more. We’re already going to get sued for copyright infringement…” I grumbled.
“Swords…swords…swords…SWORD! Here. Take a look. What’s your fancy?
Anduril, sword of King Elessar. And then I have Glamdring. OH! AND Orchrist! Or The Sword of Omens. Excalibur. Sword of the Headless Horseman…”
“Wait…wouldn’t that be a cursed blade?”
“No no. He got a lot of bad press, but was really a nice guy. Totally Fake news. Not a cursed sword. Not at all. Moving on, I have Lancelot Du Lac's sword, Joyeux. The Sword of Shannara…”
“I can hear the damned lawyers circling.”
“Stormbringer…”
“…”
“The Sword of Godric Gryffindor…”
“sued into infinity…”
“Prince Adam’s Sword of Power…”
“He-man? Come on now…”
“And a couple of swords from a guy name Kirito. Not too familiar with those, but they looked nifty. So I took em!” the wizard cackled.
“…I’ll go with The Horseman’s Sword.”
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